I hope the Wife appreciates this.

What in the hell motivates folks to carry on w/ this blog bullshiiiiii ?


Do You Have a Rag For a Gas Cap?

My wife is certifiable whiskey tango, white trash, 2320, redneck or whatever your slang of choice might be. While watching an Evil Kineval like record setting jump on New Years eve I, after 10 aƱos of wedded bliss, learned something new about my smok'in hot wife. Watching this lunatic make his jump my bride nearly wet herself due to uncontrollable excitement. You'd thought she just saw fire for the first time. I was a bit scared an did my best to ignore it but then a couple of days later she comes to me w/ "Monster Trucks are coming to the E Center, Britton would love it!" Now admittedly I do look stupid and I am a railroader w/ no education but c'mon sweety, Britton would love it... huh? I guess now I can go with the, "You know what babe, I think we should get some new Taylor Made irons for my golf bag, Britton would love it." I called her bluff and happily let her know the success rate of trying to bullsh!* a bullsh!*er and told her that if she had the proverbial itch to scratch we could check it out.
Off we go to the E Center w/ the Pearl and Ty Webb in tow and Angel was floating. The worst part of all was that we were headed out 2 hours before kick off because it was explained to me that "We have to get there early because the pits open @ 6!" Well ok, now that we're all on board I'll get us our duckets and pit passes. She was right Britton did love it but no more than she. The Pearl, not so much. Apparently there is something in the rubber of a monster truck tire that emanates evil and should not be touched. After an eternity in the pits Angel let us go to our seats were we got to sit FRONT ROW. I figured if you can't be the king at a redneck convention you can't be one anywhere. The seats were great, the entertainment was shockingly adequate but it was the scenery that wooed me the most. Ty Webb and I felt like Charles Darwin in the Galapagos. So many new and undiscovered species. Mullets mostly but also indescribable clothing combinations and new untellable variations of hygiene. What an eye opener. I've attended rodeos, fairs, carnivals, NASCAR events and never before did I gaze on so much of God's creativity. I even saw a t-shirt on a very large elderly woman that said "When I drink Whiskey I get Frisky" it was perfect.
It was an epiphanal moment. I'm no different than these folks, except I might bathe more often. We are all rednecks at heart. Who doesn't like big, loud, shiny things that jump and go boom? If you don't my charge to you is that the next time monster trucks are in town load up the kids and head out. Odds are w/ my wifes new affinity we'll see ya there. I just hope that now that she's out of the closet she won't pick up a new hairstyle that might break my ceiling fan. Pray for us.


Shani said...

I am a little concerned. Please answer these next questions honestly so we can better discern your level of Whiskey Tango-ness. If you answer "yes" to more than one of these, you are likely beyond help.

Are there more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog?

Have you ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys?

Are your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps?

Have you ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance?

Are you still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again?

Have you ever been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado?

Raabarino said...

Sadly no to all, but will work to improve.

Jay said...

I am just glad to see you soon will be living on the west side of the tracks again.

Suz said...

Watch the west side comments!

Meghan said...

officially the best post of the year. if only, if only you could ever post something of this magnatude again even i would be impressed. I was also shocked and terrified with angels reaction to the motobike jump on new years eve. the fact that she was equally excited after the re-wind and second go around amazed me. I knew then that this year would hold wonderfully whiskey tango things in store for your family. i am currently shopping for a singing big mouth bass to adorn the spot above your new fireplace...

Suz said...

There is a BASS at Scofield. I will see about relocating it!

Jay said...

I think the mighty fisherman should have a bass of his own.